


A Cloudy Dawn

by ChibiPanda



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 06:30:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15858126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiPanda/pseuds/ChibiPanda
Summary: 'He didn’t want to bother them, but he realized just how thankful he was they’d noticed. He’d been unable to speak, ironic as it was, so they had done it for him.'Jisung is struggling in silence - but not alone.





	A Cloudy Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> My first Stray Kids fic - I hope it's not horrible - enjoy!

Jisung was bright, loud, colorful, inside and out. The members said it often, that the bright colors and loud patterns he wore matched him; that he pulled them off like few could. Sometimes, he wondered how well they actually matched.

He liked to be loud; to be loud; to be heard; to be seen. He was likely obnoxious at times, he knew, but his desire to exist was always stronger than his shame. Perhaps in that way, he was bright, inside and out.

Yet there were days when Jisung questioned it. Questioned his friend's words, opinions, himself. Today was one of those, capping of the fourth week, making it a solid month of questioning.

No one had noticed, or at least it seemed that way. Jisung still wore his bright colors, still goofed off with Minho and Felix, still dotted on Jeongin, and hyped Seungmin, Woojin, and Hyunjin. Was still colorful on the outside, but inside had turned grey. Not black, black was comforting, grey like twilight – too dark to see but too light for anything to help. Today felt different; heavier.

Maybe it was the stress and exhaustion of the comeback. Or maybe it was the pressure of hiding behind those loud colors and pretending it was fine. Or maybe it was simply reading comments, some good praising his versatility some bad calling him talentless or ugly, and having the opinion of others pile endless on top of his own. Regardless, he was done. For today at least. He was done; physically, mentally, emotionally done.

It was past nine in the morning and the dorm was quiet. They had the day off, one lone free day among a sea of schedules, a thing Jisung knew he should be grateful for. Some of the members had plans today, though at the moment he couldn’t remember exactly who. Could be everyone really. No, not everyone; he was going to work on new stuff with Chan and Changbin. Maybe.

In honesty, Jisung wasn’t sure he was going to move at all today. He wasn’t sure if he’d slept or just stared for hours at the exposed wood above him. Both seemed possible – he didn’t feel rested regardless.

Eventually, he rolled to the side and off the bed and staggered slightly into the nearby wall, then turned in search of clothing. The vibrant colors at the top of the drawer – worn so often – burned his eyes. He pulled the folded offenses out and watched as they fell to the floor; Seungmin would be disappointed.

Near the bottom, Jisung found old dark wash jeans and a deep blue sweatshirt, neither of which he’d worn in years. They still fit, albeit loosely. The sweatshirt enveloping him like blankets on a bed.

He was exhausted, tempted to return to bed despite his need to use the restroom. With a sigh, Jisung left the darkness of the bedroom.

It wasn’t as silent outside the confines of his space. The sound of soft conversations, buttons clicking, and the hum of the air conditioner filled the air around him. It burned.

Everything burned. It felt as though everyone was moving while he stood still; were Chan and Changbin working without him? Was he the only one not fooling around in the main room? The burning was accompanied by an endless buzzing.

Even in his sluggish state, Jisung finished in the bathroom quickly – avoiding the mirror as he did. Did his clothes now match his mind?

The buzzing helped Jisung tune everything out as he made his way back to the comfort of his bed, missing his name being called and the unsure looks shared.

Sometime later a knock on the door brought him back to the world, though he hadn’t noticed he’d fallen asleep.

“Sungie, come on out for lunch,” Changbin called lightly, his voice soft.

The thought of leaving the bedroom again and pretending everything was fine was suffocating – but it was required, “Alright.”

Getting out of bed a second time was harder. So much so, that Jisung’s original intentions of changing out of the muted clothes were disregarded.

The smell of fried rice and chicken welcomed him as he exited the room, two smells that normally would have made Jisung’s stomach growl, but today just made him queasy.

Felix and Changbin were sitting at the table, both engrossed in their phones.

“Jisung?”

The leader’s voice started them all, causing Felix to drop his phone and smile sheepishly, but the jolt that ran through Jisung’s body was extreme.

Chan frowned gently from his spot at the kitchen entrance, “Hey, why don’t you help me bring this stuff out.” it wasn’t a question, but it was soft and caring; it made the younger uncomfortable.

“Sure,”

Chan stood to the side, allowing the younger boy to enter the kitchen first. As soon as they were away from the eyes’ of the others, Chan brought Jisung into a tight hug. “You feeling any better Sungie?” The elder tucked his head into Jisung’s shoulder, “Talk to us, alright?”

Chan pulled back then, his hands lingering on the other’s shoulders for a moment longer.

The situation turned Jisung’s stomach. He was ‘supposed’ to be happy and loud; he should try harder. “Everything is fine Chan-hyung,” he forced joy and confusion into his voice, “just sleepy is all. I’m not used to being in bed that long.” The look Chan gave him, one of mild disappointment, cut deeper than it should have. Jisung smiled against that feeling and grabbed the pan from the stove.

From behind him, the eyes Jisung had mistaken for disappointment glittered with utter concern and guilt.

The other two had made room for Chan and Jisung to join them. Changbin motioning for the younger to take the spot between them.

Forcing another smile, the normally bright boy placed the hot pan on the pads in the center of the table and took his seat between his friends.

As he sat on the floor, it wasn’t a surprise to have both Changbin and Felix lean into him. Though Jisung was mildly taken aback when Felix circled his arm around the slightly older’s waist at the same time, pulling his near twin tight to his side. That wasn’t unusual, however, Jisung and Felix tended to be more lively with each other; more forceful. Knowing that Felix was altering his behavior, even slightly, to comfort the rapper bothered him.

Jisung felt his eyebrows knit together as Felix leaned his head on the slightly older’s shoulder – repositioning the phone so it could be seen by both. It shouldn’t bother him. Jisung knew this; he did. But he didn’t want the others to know, he didn’t want them to be disappointed or to worry.

“Lunch is served!” Chan cheerfully placed the second plate down on the table filled with take-out chicken. “Oh,” the leader dashed back to the kitchen returning, slower than before, with four haphazardly held mugs and two large crafts tucked under his arm. “Jasmine and barley tea. I mean there’s water too, but-“ he placed the mugs and liquid down then seamlessly pulled four spoons and four pairs of chopsticks from his front pocket, “that you get yourself.”

The attention, which was obviously intentional, turned Jisung’s stomach once again. What was wrong with him? It was ridiculous he knew. Completely pointless.

“Jisungie,” Felix, left arm still latched to Jisung’s side, had used one of the spoons to scoop up fried rice which now hovered centimeters from the slightly older’s mouth. Waiting. “Say aw,” the deep voice pitched oddly; in away Jisung couldn’t recognize.

Despite not feeling hungry, Jisung opened his mouth – he could feel his friend relax beside him. Was Felix really that keyed up on feeding him?

Changbin suddenly began to run his hand through his fellow rapper’s hair, lightly scratching Jisung’s scalp.

Jisung forced himself to chew and swallow. It was tasteless and the action unpleasant. As soon as it was down, a small piece of chicken appeared before him, offered by Changbin. The sight made Jisung nauseous, but he relented and opened his mouth again. Fingers scratched his scalp harder in praise.

They continued this for a few more bites before Jisung refused, pouring some tea into the nearest mug and grasping the hot ceramic between his hands. It was odd, this heat was different from the earlier burning; less painful.

Jisung didn’t miss the way Felix deflated against him, how Chan shot him a questioning look, or how Changbin tugged kingly at his hair. However, he tried to ignore it, and thankfully they pressed no further.

It was obvious to Jisung at this point that, these three at least, knew something was wrong. They didn’t ask, and he didn’t have an answer, but the fact they knew hurt. It hurt he couldn’t protect Felix – who seemed so gentle and pure at times; that he couldn’t shield Changbin; and that he added stress to Chan.

If the others knew. The thought alone tore at Jisung. He’d be responsible. Responsible for not being enough. Not good enough.

“Jisung? Are you listening?” The question was accompanied by a squeeze.

When the three came into focus, Jisung became aware that the food had all been put away, his tea was cold, and they were focused on him. “Sorry. More exhausted than I thought.”

“I was just letting you know that JYP wanted to hear our new track this afternoon.” Chan paused, eyes scanning, “but if you aren’t feeling well, we can push it back.”

“No. No, you guys go without me. You don’t need to change it.”

Chan seemed uneasy but nodded anyway.

“My friends wanted to hang out since they’re in town,” Felix’s voice was soft and too close to Jisung’s ear, “but I can tell them ‘no.’”

Jisung pulled away and turned to face his friend. Felix looked upset, worried almost, an expression hauntingly similar to pre-debut. For a moment Jisung wondered is all the looks were actually planted in compassion rather than the disappointed looks he’d assumed. “Your friends? Felix aren’t they visiting from Australia?” he felt retched seeing the slightly younger boy nod, “You have to go hang out with them, man.” If Felix refused Jisung thought he might actually cry, or vomit; or both.

“They’re here for a few more days,” Felix said so sincerely that Jisung could feel the words in his chest, “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“Wh…” Jisung started to question but stopped. He didn’t want to dwell on the reasons behind the other’s statement. “I’m just going to sleep.”

Felix clenched his jaw, “alright.”

True to his word, as Felix released his hole and went to grab whatever he needed from the bedroom, Jisung moved the short distance to their couch.

He was asleep before they left.

Someone was running their hand up and down Jisung’s ribs and chest soothingly when he woke up. That was the first sense that came back to him, the next thing he noticed was that his head was resting on something warm. Someone had managed to maneuver themselves under him slightly, Jisung slowly realized, noticing the denim covered thighs his head was resting on.

“Ah, you’re awake,” Woojin’s hand didn’t stop its endless motion, “I was hoping you’d get up soon.” He smiled down endearingly, “I was getting hungry. Let’s go eat some of the leftover chicken in the fridge.”

Jisung sat up, and the elder’s hand traveled from his ribs to his back, “I’m not really hungry Hyung. I’m sorry for trapping you though, you should have just pushed me.”

The hand stilled for a second and then resumed its movements. “I trapped myself Jisung-ah. You were already asleep. And we’re going to go eat some. You haven’t been hungry in over a month.” He rubbed a bit more forcefully, “you’re going to eat something.”

The rapper found he didn’t have the strength to argue and slumped against his Hyung.

Woojin spoke again, soft and kind, “We’re sorry it took so long for us to notice something was wrong...and even longer to try and help. But we’re worried Sungie.”

“I’m just tired,” it was a pitiful excuse.

“No. You’re not,” Woojin squeezed the other tightly then stood. Taking Jisung by the hand as he did and helped the younger up. “But you are going to eat first.” for as adamant as Woojin was about getting the younger to eat, he was equally as gentle.

Woojin didn’t release Jisung until they were both in the kitchen. He stood the younger up against the counter, smiled at him, squeezed his hand, then released it. “Do you want chicken or rice?” the vocalist pulled both bowls out of the fridge as he spoke, not expecting an answer. He glanced towards the younger again and emptied both bowls – each less than half full – into a single pan. Placing the pan on the stove, the vocalist clicked the gas and waited for it to ignite before returning to Jisung.

“Felix should be home soon,” Woojin leaned against the counter next to Jisung and continued, “He messaged me when he left and said he’d be back early.”

The younger sighed somewhat dramatically, “His friends came to visit…”

“And they understand he’s worried about a friend.”

Jisung still didn’t like it.

“He noticed first. Came to Chan after you’d fallen asleep last week. He was kind of panicked, spoke only in English. I guess you were crying in your sleep, saying stuff.” Woojin pushed himself off the counter and stirred the concoction. “He’d noticed things were off before that but said it didn’t seem too bad until that night.”

“I didn’t…” Jisung’s voice cracked.

“Let’s eat first. I think it’s warm enough, yeah?” With the same effortless nature as he’d shown earlier, Woojin put the contents into one of the empty bowls, shut off the stove, and spoke, “grab utensils please.”

Jisung did what he was asked and allowed himself to ushered to the table.

They ate in silence, Woojin’s not so subtle glances keeping the millennium boy eating. “Hyung,” he placed the spoon down, “I can’t eat anymore…I just,” Jisung felt the sting of guilt again. He’d managed about eight bites, more than he had at lunch, but it was just – exhausting maybe – laborious. He didn’t want to feel this way, to worry his friends, he just wanted to be happy.

“It’s alright Jisung-ah,” Woojin had moved closer, “Shh, don’t cry. It’s okay.”

The rapper hadn’t even noticed. What was wrong with him, he’d been fine, everything had been fine, and then everything was just grey.

“I’m home!”

Felix back after blowing off his friends because of Jisung’s ridiculousness – _You’d do the same_ – the rapper tried to reassure himself.

“Welcome home Felix.”

Jisung looked up and regretted it. Felix looked devastated, “Did you have fun?”

The Australian’s jaw tightened and he nodded.

“Felix, why don’t you and Jisung go relax. I’m going to take care of the dishes and make a few phone calls.” Woojin placed a slightly uncharacteristic kiss to the crown of Jisung’s head, then began to pick up the table.

Felix didn’t speak, instead, he simply walked over to Jisung and reached out to take his hand.

“I don’t want you to worry about me,” he hated how wet and weak his voice sounded. It was pitiful.    

“Too late,” the younger reached down and grabbed the other’s hand pulling him to his feet. “The best thing that has ever happened to me was meeting you all.” He wrapped a thin arm around the older as they begun the short walk back to Jisung’s bedroom. “I’m clingy, loud at times, awkward,” he tightened his grip with each word, “but I fit in with you.”

The two entered the poorly lit room, curtains still drawn from that morning, and Felix released his hold long enough to re-fold all the bright clothes which had been toss aside earlier and find pajamas for the two of them.

Jisung was quiet as he changed into the bright soft PJs his friend had chosen for him. He still felt guilty, all day it seemed he’d made his friends worry – maybe longer; probably longer – but there was a different feeling slowly building in his chest. A warmth. He didn’t want to bother them, but he realized just how thankful he was they’d noticed. He’d been unable to speak, ironic as it was, so they had done it for him.

“Sung?” as deep as ever and equally concerned, “come on.” Felix pulled him again. “let’s watch a movie and cuddle.” Pushing his friend lightly towards the bunk, Felix grabbed a discarded computer and followed. “I’m not going to stop. Worrying. So you should just tell me.” He paused pulling the blankets around their bodies, “I’ll listen.”

Jisung allowed himself to be pulled close, “I don’t know what to say ‘lix,” he deflated into the other’s arms, “nothing is wrong…or maybe everything is. I don’t know.”

Felix waited a moment, “Is it promoting? You didn’t feel this way before debut, did you?”

Was it promoting? Had it happened before? In honesty, Jisung didn’t know and couldn’t remember – he just wanted it to stop. But in the secure grasp of his friend, the older tried to find answers. “I love performing, creating, you know? I don’t know…”

The other boy hummed kindly.

“It has happened before,” Jisung’s voice was accompanied by another member announcing their arrival. He ignored it and continued, “before Chan-hyung asked me to join his little project. Things were grey then too.”

“Knock, knock,” Changbin’s voice rang out through the doorway as he pushed it open. He smiled at the two members buried in blankets, though his smile dimmed slightly seeing his fellow 3racha member’s damp eyes, “Oh Sungie.” He quickly climbed over the two September boys, careful of the computer, so that the struggling member was surrounded. “We just want you to feel better Sung…” the elder brought Jisung close to him and shared a pained look with Felix.

“Don’t you all look comfy,” Chan was leaning against the open doorframe, Woojin just beyond him, “Jisungie, tomorrow you and I are going to go talk to the company therapist.” The elder raised his hand motioning for his younger friend to pause, “just once, to see if it helps. I’ll be with you if you want me to be. If that’s too much right now, we can just talk. In a practice room, just us. Alright?” he walked closer, “I, we, just want you to feel better.”

Maybe it wasn’t twilight, maybe it was just a cloudy dawn.

“It’s not going to get magically better, but we’re going to help.” Chan flushed slightly pulling a stuffed squirrel out from behind his back, “It was supposed to be a birthday present, but…yeah…”

Jisung felt Changbin and Felix spasm against him, he saw Woojin smile and watched the heat grow on Chan’s cheeks. The young rapper reached out his hand to accept the cute toy; it was soft, fluffy. He started to cry and laugh, “thanks.”  

**Author's Note:**

> Oddly this was inspired by the Hellevator MV - mainly Jisung being alone, Woojin trying to approach him, and Chan chasing after him. 
> 
> I hope it does them justice, they are pretty amazing kids. Feel free to drop a comment or kudos if you'd like! Have a great weekend!


End file.
